July162009
7/16/09 - Interesting Pauses.
Niny & Gary’s Dinner Part III: Krissy’s Gorgeous Dessert.
Entry finally completed after a week…
The only goodbyes I acknowledge are the ones we cannot dictate. Natural divergences that happen without ceremony. Often escaping notice, often defying control.
They happen when two people finally fall out of each other’s planes, and it’s hard to pinpoint exactly when or why. No singular cause, the reasons are many, though none of them matter by now.
Because of this, I find goodbye a fluffy word that neither prescribes nor describes. And because of this, as long as we still have a trace of care for one another (whatever the nature of this care, good or bad), every parting marks only an interesting pause.
As Paul Gardner said,
A painting is never finished - it simply stops in interesting places.
***
Niny and I were picking blueberries a few days before the big dinner. She suddenly turned to me and said, You’ll always have a home if you come back to Philadelphia.
Then as soon as she said it, she corrected herself,
Not if, but when you come back to Philadelphia.
***
Marc had a mysterious smile on his face as we danced.
What? I asked.
Nothing, he kept smiling.
It’s just fun teaching you.
***
I went to say goodnight.
But we haven’t danced yet, Krissy said as she gave me a hug.
Tango’s first movement is an embrace.
When the song ended, I was surprise to see Krissy’s eyes glistening in the dark concert hall. My throat tightened.
***
Sometimes when Dasha spotted me on the side while she danced, she would wink as if we shared a little secret. A gesture fleeting, but unforgettable.
***
The morning of my last day in Philly, TJ sat down next to me on the couch and held out his hand. I linked my fingers with his.
Hi, he said, I’m TJ. Are you here for ITA training too?
Just like the first time we met four years ago.
***
This is my favorite place, Sarah told me.
Then you would have to share it with me,
I replied, meaning it is now my favorite place too.
I am already sharing.
The beautiful night was cool. In the park, swings flew towards the moon. Bits of mirrors on the mosaic wall fragmented street lights. Uneven pavements, stone walls, roadside Japanese maple. The city was ours.
What a perfect time to leave,
she said as we sat on the grass, trying to find planets far away.
***
On the way home from brunch, Emilia and I sat side by side on the subway.
I think I’m getting off at 34th for work, she told me.
I still planned on going to 40th.
Dropping off at different stops, that’s a good way to part.
It’s more poetic this way and anyway, this is not a goodbye.
Just a parting, a pause, I said.
A dash, she continued, Separating but suggesting continuity. Plus, the shape of the dash is like our train with its forward motion.
We laughed at the conversation so typically ours. I put my head on her shoulder. The train was approaching her station now.
She leaned down and kissed my face.
I love you babe, she whispered and got off the train.
I watched her leave, then put on my aviators for the rest of my ride through the tunnels.
***
Lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we’re in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday …
TJ’s beautiful voice came through the earphones.
I just want to explain, he said,
that it’s only half of the duet because I want you to sing with me.
***
Brandon sat on my bed, flipping and reflipping through the book I had made. He stopped at a photo that merged black and white with color.
I see this, he said, but I more than see this.
He has always more than seen me.
On an ordinary day
The extraordinary way
You take what I can give and you treasure it
On an ordinary day
The extraordinary way
You turn to me and say, I believe in this
That makes me lucky
God I’m lucky, so much luckier than I ever thought I’d be
‘Cause what I have
Is the value that you see in these things
— Conjure One (Extraordinary Way)
***
While having tapas in the Mission, Andrew told me,
Whatever happens, you make sure that there is still affection, because see, affection is not a zero-sum game. You can move apart in life but remain fond of each other. I don’t think there is that one person who will save my life - that’s just silly. But hey, if the stars are ever aligned for us again, I know we’ll be great.
***
The way you held my face and said, I can’t wait to see you again.
***
What I had learnt from rolfing, Brian told me during our last session,
is that we are not as fragile as we think.
No, we really are not as fragile as we think.
Still, I hope our stars realign. Soon.
Until then, until then.
