June32009
6/4/09 - Garlic Ginger Lamb.
Served with turmeric couscous. My anti-inflammatory lunch.
I injured my right ankle a few days ago. A minor sprain, but enough to compromise my movements. Maybe instinctively, I should know to take the night off from dancing, but it wasn’t an easy decision. Only after a while of being sandwiched between my roommates’ threats and sweet talks, could I finally see the sense in their advice.
It’s tricky to figure out when to take a break.
I want to push myself as close to my limits as possible, without speeding beyond and falling over. My nature is to keep going until everything about me gives out. And I had paid repeatedly for this stubbornness. It took me several rounds of losses to see that I was the one holding me back. My impatience to move forward in fact, undermined me.
I still haven’t mastered the art of gliding near the boundaries. But at least now, with some guidance, I recognize a moment’s pride is not worth the long-term damages. I want to be dancing in my later years, not crippled -
Emilia and SJ reminded me.
We rest, so as to march the distance ahead.
My mother often tells me (and herself).
***
At a milonga before I started taking private lessons with Damian, he helped me with cleaning up. As we stacked chairs on top of one another, he turned and studied me for a second.
Such a hard worker you are, he said.
For tango, I told him.
He smiled, For tango.
This is week 2 of our training. We are making good progress.
I am well aware that I need to tame my mind to keep moving at this pace.
A mental challenge as much as a physical one.
In the beginning of every class with Damian, I get nervous that I might have forgotten lessons previously learned. Ironically, the jitters more than anything, prevent my body from recalling what it knows.
I tense up, I stumble.
(But I am supposed to move in these stilettos like a cat!)
And the more I think about it, the worse it gets.
Each time, Damian would slowly warm me up and help me regain the motions until I am back to where we had left off the last session. The dance he’s taught me is somewhere in here. It just takes time to summon. I know if I can let go of the initial barrier I put up - the fear of not being perfect right away - my dance would come to me more easily.
A big part of it, is remembering to be gentle with myself.
I’ve noticed that the more I learn, the more I expect of my progress. Last night, I had the chance to re-evaluate my mindset. I saw how I’ve come to anticipate my learning to be almost instantaneous, with no room to forget.
But that’s not how it works.
It’s all up and down, you will see, Marc told me from the very beginning,
One day you’ll feel like you are on top of the world, the next day you’ll feel like you don’t know how to dance at all. It will always be like this and it’s good, because as long as you are feeling this way, it means you are still growing.
I had agreed with him. I knew this, from writing, from cooking, from every learning curve I’ve ever clambered. Still, in midst of a quest, it’s difficult to allow myself a few falls.
***
I know how it is, Damian said in the beginning of our session. I used to be obsessed with learning tango too. I’m not anymore. I’ve learned how to dosify this obsession.
What do you mean by dosify? I asked him at the staircase before heading home. I had an idea that he meant I should learn to work with the intensity in doses, so that I would not be consumed, so that the energy moves me forward rather than paralyze me. Still, I wanted to hear his take.
Ah, there are days and weeks when I just can’t dance -
Even you?
The master himself.
He nodded,
Some days, I just can’t dance. I don’t feel well. I used to be stressed about this, but now I know how to make myself relax.
He paused and grinned at me,
Always know that tomorrow, or next week you are going to come back and -, he slammed a fist into his open palm.
***
When I was a toddler, Luci once told me, I always wanted to crawl fast. I’d try so hard to move forward, that I’d end up slipping backwards.
***
I sat on the couch holding a bottle of vodka from the freezer to my foot.
(It’s SJ’s idea of an ice-pack, You know, there are two ways to kill pain.
Her eyes, all mischief.)
I think I need to give myself more space, I said, staring at our brick wall.
Emilia agreed,
At some point, it’s the pressure you put on yourself that keeps you from performing at your best.
Last summer, she spent a month and a half preparing for the MCAT. Every day, she would take 6 hours of practice exams. She was pushing herself so hard that two days before the exam, she actually came close to failing the mock.
Unnerved, she spoke to some of her friends who advised her to take a break. Don’t study at all tomorrow, they told her, You’ve been studying all summer. You knows the material.
Sure enough,
she rested
and then passed with the high marks her handwork deserved.
***
Don’t get too anxious, yeah? Damian said. I trust you.
Now I need to trust me too.
