May292009
5/28/09 - Bacon Parmesan Cornmeal Pancake.
During a conversation not too long ago, something that was said provoked a particular thought in my head. My mind raced to the future. I fancied I could see the worst scenarios turned reality.
Panic ensued.
Immediately, I began to plot a system of responses (all the while, my friend, unaware of the storm in my head, continued to chat away happily). Chains of words and actions welded under pressure, under heat. Within minutes, an intricate machine emerged, built for events that have yet to take place.
Riding the momentum,
I almost pulled my plan’s trigger right there.
More than prepared, I wanted to predetermine the unknown.
Such is my tendency: anticipation, pre-mature anxiety.
Too much fast-forward. Much ado about nothing.
***
Sometimes, I put myself off balance to see how I can regain it,
Damian told me as he stood on one foot and tipped himself in various directions. You have to understand your body’s tendencies to know how to control them.
***
As I was ready to set my machine in motion, out of nowhere a violent clarity invaded me. For a split-second, it was as if I had stepped outside of myself and seen what I was doing from another’s eyes.
Absurd,
that I could be so sure of the future turning out only one way, and that I would go as far as to prepare a whole collection of responses for that single possibility.
Why worry about problems before they come into being?
Why live them out to be true?
I’ve seen problems materialized simply by the fear that they would. Prevention efforts draw attention rather than avert. I try now, to take conflicts as they come. It’s no good trying to solve what have not occurred -
Too many variables lie ahead,
too many players in this game,
and every elements is bent to change.
The key, I see now, is not in being a step ahead (for how do we know where the next step lies?), rather it is to stay with the moment, perfectly balanced on one foot while leaving the other prepared to move whichever way.
Locked to none, ready for any.
Damian expects me to become a dancer who can move effortlessly with my partner - not a step early, not a step late. Completely connected but always, independent.
***
While I was in Providence, Hakan reminded me of a passage in history:
World War II, the Germans had a detailed strategy on how it would conquer Europe. It was an exact plan predicting how the countries involved would respond to attacks and the actions to be taken accordingly. The problem was that one success depended heavily on another. The Germans thought they had it all under control, only to be surprised by the turnout of events: troops that mobilized faster than expected, soldiers who fought harder than they anticipated.
Once a step didn’t go according to plan, he said, the rest of the strategy was trash. Napoleon however, knew that after the first bullet’s fired, it’s chaos. So he didn’t bother predicting what would happen. Instead, he set the goal to destroy his enemies and led his troops with that sole objective in mind. Everything else was up to circumstances and momentary decisions.
We cannot foresee every single possibility. Surprises, always surprises.
I think about the future often, and I think it’s important to consider what may lie ahead. Only now, I strive to maintain an openness to the unknown, taking actions only in the present and reminding myself constantly that all might change later.
As Hakan said, Have direction, not destination.
When the bullet is fired, I will be ready but I won’t shoot myself in the foot.
***
This bacon parmesan cornmeal pancake was a spontaneous play with ingredients. I wanted something with bacon, and needed to use up the cornmeal in my pantry. There was some parmesan left, et voila.
