July82009
7/5/09 - Grilled Short Ribs & Caramelized Chicken Wings.
During our session, Brian S. taught me yoga poses to loosen my lower extremities. We went through several movements together, face to face, mirroring each other.
How are you feeling?
I think he meant to to ask about my body,
but my mind was full with other thoughts.
Strange, I blurted.
Not in a bad way. I meant the word in its purest sense: out of the ordinary.
I was still processing the Sunday night dinner at Niny and Gary’s. The last few days, I had tried to write about that wonderful night with my favorite tangueros and tangueras, only to scatter the notepad with broken phrases and incomplete thoughts. I had engaged with the evening in such an unfamiliar way that I was still not quite sure how to explain.
It sounds crazy, I told Brian,
But I felt like I was omnipresent at the dinner.
Several times that night, Dasha asked me why I was so quiet. It’s true, though I’m usually one for deeply involved conversations, I was not saying much. It wasn’t because I was holding back, however. I was so happy to be there - just to be there, surrounded by these people I love - that suddenly, I had nothing to say. Everything I wanted to say to them, I had said. Everything I imagined I would want to tell them, I knew I could later.
But for this moment, I was just there.
I was so focused on absorbing what’s happening, that I felt like I was watching the whole dinner from afar (and at the same time, close to everything). Completely zoned out, but every bit there.
I don’t remember much of the words that were exchanged, though I was listening very attentively. So attentively, that I registered few words.
Only voices.
And I was tasting the amazing food, looking at the faces around me, mesmerized by the energy of my friends’ movements.
I love photography but at gatherings I usually put my camera aside after a while, wanting more to interact than to record. This night, however, I was all over the place trying to capture essence. I grabbed at everything, wanted all that my memory will allow me.
Later in the night, we moved from the dining table to the dance floor. Krissy called my name and motioned me over,
Can you remind me what I taught you the other day?
I walked in her direction, looking at her without noticing how intensely I was looking until she cracked up,
Why do you have that sultry look on your face?
When I heard that, I broke my gaze immediately, and in my embarrassment, I realized what a trance I was in. I must have spent the whole evening gawking without meaning to.
I had a great time, I told Brian,
But it was so unlike me. I still don’t understand why I was like that.
He looked thoughtful, then said quietly,
It seems like you are sad.
I am. I’m very, very sad,
I heard myself replying, as a matter of fact. And then it clicked.
Sad.
Sometimes a million little details and one word say the same thing.
Sometimes, it’s just that simple. A feeling makes us act all kinds of weird
and there’s nothing else to it.
I leave My City tomorrow.
Time is upon us, oh but the night is young
— Moloko (The Time is Now)
There’s still the Otros Aires concert tonight.
